Was it something I did?

Do you ever have those moments, when someone starts acting differently, and you wonder if it was something you said or did.. or if it was just something with them.  

..and then you have to decide if it was something you did, and need to approach them to clear the air, or if it would just cause confusion or make it worse.

I'm in a situation like that at the moment.  It is an icky feeling to have.  Thinking I will just hold for now.

Tiny houses

I love looking at tiny houses.  All of them. Whether it is a refurbished camper, a house boat, a shipping container turned home, an apartment, or built from the ground up.  

Interestingly, I have way more stuff, way more clutter than would ever fit in a tiny house.  I am not sure I would ever choose to live in a tiny house full time, but I do love the simplicity.  I live in a home that I would consider modest by today's absolute lavishness, but probably would be considered lavish by some cultures.  

We have some property near my husbands family.  I daydream a little bit about creating a tiny house on that property.  It's not something we have really talked about doing, but day dreaming about it is kind of fun.  Trying to figure out just which tiny house would be the "goldilocks" for our family.  Not too big, not too small, but just right.  

As I look through the tiny houses on my computer, I look up, and my world looks different to me.  Amazing how perception changes depending on what you are comparing.  Suddenly, my house looks huge in my eyes, and there seems to be too much clutter everywhere.  (Although I kind of knew that already). In one way, I can see how much work I need to do around my house.  In another, I am feeling incredibly blessed & thankful.  Blessed that this is my home.  Not because of the square footage or the stuff in it, but because of God & my family.  Blessed because having a home for my children, not just a "house" is important to me.  Blessed to have a place to sleep at night.  I will not take that for granted.  

I think it is time once again to be more purposeful in what stuff is in my life.  Not just time commitments (although, that too) but actual physical stuff.  Reminding myself again to organize and declutter my home and my life.  A reminder to put God, and family first, and not be focused on materialism.  

Your inner voice sweet darlin'

There is an article going around Facebook, that talks about how the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.  I haven't made up my mind if I think that is totally true, although I definitely think how we are raised influences us.  Whether I agree or disagree, I find the idea thought provoking.   I also find the idea a little stressful.  There are days when I feel like I am doing a great job as a parent.  Then there are days when I have "argued, fussed, and fought" with the kids more than I would like. 

My kids are strong willed.  Sometimes that means that instead of taking 2 minutes to brush their teeth, it takes 15, or holding a child still to get a needed test at the doctors office when they don't want it... and so many other similar situations. There are a gazillion articles and opinions about how to raise your children.  It is such a delicate balance.  Being a parent is love & guidance.  So sometimes, I am more firm than others.  My children are being raised in a home where there is rules, and structure, and discipline when necessary.  We feel it is the best for them.  I know at the end of the day, they know they are loved.  

I have wondered though, since that article started floating around, which one of my voices they might hear in their mind?  Do they hear me rushing them or yelling?  Or do they hear the loving side, when I am patient and kind?  I imagine it could be a little of both, and more that isn't influenced by me.  

I think sometimes as parents, we focus on the things we have done wrong or when we have missed it, more than when we get things right.  I think kids are the exact opposite...  Focusing on our love and what we have done right, and forgiving and forgetting the things we do wrong.  

When my brother was a very young boy, he loved the movie Grease.  Imagine his surprise when he was a teenager and re-watched the movie, only to find there were sexual undertones & curse words in it that he never picked up on before.  He had saw it through the rose colored glasses of a child, and only remembered the most positive about it.  I think most kids are really like that.  They see the good, and are really forgiving.  Forgiving of things that would be stumbling blocks to adults.  As my oldest "V" said at 4 "yes, he did something bad... but that was yesterday."  Oh, to see the world through the eyes of a child, to forgive all wrongs so quickly.  

I have glimpses into what my girls "inner voice" might be.  When they play & talk with each other, and when they talk to me, and when I hear them repeating stuff I have said to them.  On Sunday, while my girls were taking a nap, I fell asleep too.  I must have been really tired, because I slept longer than anyone else.  My husband sent my youngest "M" to wake me up.  She's so sweet, that I don't always realize that she can be firm, but she did one of the better jobs of waking me up.  She rolled my covers back, all the while insisting that I "wake up sweet darlin' ."  Over & over in the sweetest voice "wake up sweet darlin'.  ... And it sounded familiar.  It took me awhile, but I finally realized it was words that had came from me originally. 

So I want to remind myself, when ever I am stressed about it, at the end of the day, my kids see the best in me.  Not because I always am the best, but because of who they are.  ... And I am so thankful for that sweet darlin.'

Hand mopping the floor of my heart

I am always amazed how God will speak to me through everyday moments.  Whether it is a moment with my children or an everyday cleaning task. 

I hand mopped the floor yesterday.  It was the first time I had taken on this task in longer than I care to admit.  Somehow the floor had fallen way down my list of priorities.  There had been steam moppings & spot cleanings along the way by my husband & I, but it hadn't been truly on-my-knees clean in awhile.  The floor had become quite grimy and dirty.

So there I was, down on my knees with a scrub brush, tooth brush, rag, and some cleansing water... And a floor covered in built up grime. There was no "quick fix." The only way I could clean it was to get down on my knees and do it.  Being on my knees reminded me of another time I was on my knees.  Surrendering my life to God, and asking Jesus to forgive me of my sins.  

I started in one corner and worked my way across the floor and back again, and the floor got cleaner, but the water in my bucket became down right filthy.  I thought again of when Jesus cleansed me of my sins, and how he took my filthy-dirty sins on himself.  

So it is the next day, and the floor is still mostly clean... But we've eaten in the dining room a few times, and came in and out the door.  I've seen both crumbs and dirt on the floor.  I took a broom and swept them up.  It occurs to me that 

the floor that will not stay clean if I ignore the little crumbs & dirt that happen.  

It also occurs to me that my heart will not stay clean if I ignore the little crumbs & dirt of sin.  I need the word of God, and prayer to be the broom, mop, and cleansing water for my heart.  I need to take time and get "on my knees" and spend time with him every day.  I can't go too long with just "spot cleanings" or I will get grim & sin build up in my heart.  I need to let Jesus clean my heart fresh of sin again.

So God, please create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.  Help me to daily spend time with you the way I should, and the way I want to.  To not let "life" get in the way.  To keep you highest on my priority list.  Please cleanse me of all sin and grime, so I can be clean again in my heart & soul, and in your eyes.  Thank you for speaking to me through the every day moments.  Reminding me of your love, and gently nudging me where I should be.

Finding my voice again

I'm going to pretend that I've been typing here awhile, and pick up mid-conversation. (.. and maybe jump around a bit too)

Lately I've been feeling a need to find my voice again. Isn't that funny? When I was a girl, I journaled. Some of it was silly, and some of it wasn't. I haven't looked at any of those journals in long awhile. The last time I did there were moments I read that were so awkwardly embarrassing, and then others where I was surprised at the insight. These days I'm a wife, a mother of two young girls, I work full time and am constantly on the go. Life stays busy, but most of the time I wish it was a little slower. Some things fall through the cracks (hello, clean house.. we miss you), and sometimes I'm shocked at the amount that we are able to accomplish with all the other things we are doing. I find myself wishing for simplicity more. More time, and less stuff. Less of the things that are not important. More of God. More giggles and cuddles and less.. hurry.

16 years ago today, I found out my dear friend Sarah had died in a car accident. It rocked my work and was so unexpected. We were born just a few days apart. We didn't meet until 9th grade, but we were two peas in a pod from the very first day. She was the closest thing I had to a sister growing up. She had just turned 17, and she died in between our birthdays. The first years after her death, this time of year was very hard for me. The joy around my birthday had turned to pain and loss. I believe in restoration of things that have been lost or stolen... both the little and the big. I can definitely say that God has restored my joy. At one time I couldn't think of Sarah without that cutting, jagged pain hitting me in the chest. These days, when I think of Sarah, I can smile again. It's a relief to feel that way. Smile at the young girls we were and just enjoy memories of my friend. I had avoided so many of those memories for too long. Today more memories came back, and it all started with a simple post on facebook. I'm thankful that Sarah knew God, that when this life is over, we will meet again someday. She had a wide-open embrace for everything God had for her. From his love, to any spiritual gifts. If God had a gift for her, Sarah wanted it. I think one of the hardest parts about her death for me, had always been feeling like this wasn't "God's plan" for her life. I'm not one to get angry easy, but any claims that this was in God's plan would definitely rile me. That isn't the nature of my God! It's such irony that people will blame God for everything, but don't even want to acknowledge the evil that is in the world. I can only imagine what would have been... and I can only imagine what that meeting day in Heaven will be like. Since Sarah died, I have lost other loved ones. My newborn brother who only survived a month, my dearly loved grandfather, the boy next door, and others. My dearly loved grandmother has been loosing her memory, which is a loss of another kind. I was thinking today that no matter how many times you go through loss, you never really become an expert at it. Each loss is different, and effects you in different ways. The ones that bother me the most are the ones where I am unsure of where the person will spend eternity. I can tell you, that isn't a feeling I like. I am bold in some ways, but much more reserved in others. I feel reticent in sharing the gospel. Held back by the fear that I will do something that would push someone further way from God instead of bringing them closer.. that they will not be receptive. I will pray and pray some more, but I'm not sure that is enough. Not with a lost and dying world, where the laborers are few.

The thoughts just kept coming today. I started thinking about how individual our testimonies are. I never really thought about having much of a testimony to share, because nothing out of the ordinary happened when I accepted Jesus in my heart. I am not even sure when it happened exactly, although if I had to take a guess I would say I was 12 years old, and at Tuesday night youth group. However, when I look back on my life, I can see all these places where he did so much for me.. held me up, helped me over, led me through and comforted me. I feel such thankfulness in my heart. In the last two years we've had some events happen that I was only able to get through by relying on God. I've found forgiveness in my heart for things I never would have expected, and I know that it came through him. ... yet now is not the time for a full life-long testimony. It is enough to realize that I have one... or really, that I have a many- faceted one, and that there may come a time when I feel that nudge in my spirit to share part of it. The knowledge that something God has brought me through could help someone else in some way... big or small.

I had planned to start a blog with gracefelt one day. It has been pushed to the back burner for years. Tonight I just needed to find my voice again... no planning required. So just pretend I'm an old friend, and like any good friend... remember the best, forget the worst, and please (please) ignore any clutter.